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 Therapists' Advice on How to Truly Love Yourself:

Advice on how to love oneself is everywhere these days. Step into your favourite local gift shop and you're likely to find rose quartz-topped self-love manifesting candles, positive-affirmation card decks, and pillows embossed with Brene Brown self-compassion phrases. Scroll through Instagram or TikTok and you'll almost certainly come across influencers spouting self-love advice that frequently ignores the many complex reasons why someone might struggle with self-worth—a barrage the "you just have to love yourself" poisonous optimism excellently (and humorously) displayed in Euphoria season 2's second episode

Self-esteem sells. But do we actually believe it? Kat from Euphoria isn't, but while it may seem trite or oversimplified, most mental health professionals will tell you, in one way or another, that being kinder to and more accepting of oneself is vital for both mental health and healthy relationships. However, a number of things (for example, trauma, years of self-criticism, and systematic prejudice) can make this seemingly straightforward practise far more complicated—and far easier said than done.

If you've clicked on this post, you probably need some help with self-compassion. That's why we sought the advice of a few therapists who specialise in the subject. Continue reading for their practical advice on how to (really) love yourself—no inspirational quotes required (but no shame if those help you, either).

1. Consider self-love to be a practise rather than a goal, and define it for yourself:

When you officially love yourself, there is no finish line. Love for oneself is neither consistent nor permanent. It's also not the same as being "in love" with yourself, so if the word "love" makes you uncomfortable, consider working toward acceptance or neutrality instead. ""We frequently define love in a fairytale manner, where everything has to be perfect, and then apply that same expectation to self-love, which is unrealistic," says Whitney Goodman, LMFT. Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a Happiness-Obsessed World We don't have to like every aspect of ourselves, and some days will be easier than others According to licenced clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon, PhD, assistant professor at Northwestern University and author of Loving Bravely: How to Love Yourself, loving ourselves can mean "simply dedication, endurance, acceptance, or general neutrality." Twenty Lessons in Self-Discovery to Help You Find Love. don't expect to develop new thought patterns overnight: embracing and being kinder to yourself, like any habit, takes work.

2. Recognize that you do not have to love your reality in order to love (accept, embrace, or forgive) yourself:

Consider your closest friends and family members who show up with affection for you even when you're your poorest, least successful, insert-negative-adjective-here self. Now consider whether you would treat yourself the same way. We love our friends and family despite their flaws, but it's difficult for many of us to love our flaws. "When we learn that perfection is not a necessity for being loved by other people or enjoying ourselves," Adia Gooden, PhD, a licenced clinical psychologist whose TED Talk According to SELF, "unconditional self-worth" has been seen nearly 1 million times.

But anyone who has struggled with woulds, shoulds, and coulds knows that accepting your flaws and defects can feel nearly impossible. ""I notice that the majority of people's grief stems from a desire for things to be different than they are," Goodman says. She employs a dialectical behaviour therapy technique known as "radical acceptance" to assist people in accepting the reality of their life while also maintaining optimism for the future.

This practise is based on the idea that in order to embrace our flawed selves, we must first acknowledge our reality. "What we oppose endures," explains Dr. Gooden. In other words, denying what's happening increases your chances of engaging in negative self-talk ("It shouldn't be this way" or "I shouldn't have done that"). Conversely, if you practise nonjudgmental acknowledgment of your reality ("This is my situation" or "This is what happened"), you'll be better equipped to accept and move past the things you can't control. Dr. Gooden emphasises the word "accept"—you don't have to enjoy what's going on. It's reasonable to be sad that you weren't called back for a second interview, but recognising the facts of the situation ("They didn't call me back and I'm disappointed") might help you avoid feeling like a disappointment. The goal is to avoid falling into a self-blame spiral by first acknowledging your ideas and feelings and then practising self-acceptance rather than continuously berating yourself for what you should've done things differently (even if you misspelt the company's name).

According to Dr. Gooden, another practise that helps build self-love and acceptance is self-forgiveness. Again, forgiveness is frequently easier in principle than in reality, but one approach she suggests absolving yourself is to recognise the learning you acquired from a disheartening experience. If, for example, a relationship fails, try not to be too hard on yourself for the five months you put in the other person or a behaviour you're not proud of. Instead, consider what you learnt throughout those months that will help you in the future. Dr. Gooden explains that self-love does not preclude us from making errors; rather, it encourages us to accept responsibility when we do something we don't like so that we can move ahead more readily.

It's also worth noting that the process of learning to accept and/or forgive yourself can elicit intense sadness. ""When you think about how much time you've spent beating yourself up, comparing yourself to others, or convincing yourself that you were bad or broken," Dr.

 Solomon says. Allowing yourself time to grieve is acceptable and even beneficial, she adds, as long as you finally focus on embracing whatever happened in the past so you can move forward—and see your future as a chance to live differently..

3. Stick to the facts to challenge your negative mental narrative:

Suffering is depicted by Buddhists as two arrows. The first arrow represents an awful occurrence that occurred to us—a painful arrow that was beyond our control. The second arrow represents the tale we tell ourselves about that event—this is self-inflicted misery. Dr. Solomon defines self-love as avoiding shooting ourselves with the second arrow. The first arrow, for example, could represent the death of a loved one from COVID-19. The second arrow may be you convincing yourself that if you had persuaded them to go to the doctor sooner, they would not have died. Or it may be you telling yourself that despite the fact that they weren't vaccinated, you should have spent the holidays with them. In other words, while a circumstance can be emotionally terrible, the story we tell ourselves about it is often the source of our anguish. Dr. The good news is that we can work on avoiding adding to our sorrow with this negative narrative," Solomon say

If, on the other hand, regrets or other negative ideas begin to creep in concerning a terrible experience, Goodman advises us to examine the facts " Can you think of anything else that might help?" According to Goodman, "you are not denying reality; rather, you are emphasising everything at the same time." . . So you lost your job—does this mean you're awful at what you do? Is there proof that it had nothing to do with your performance? Perhaps your work performance has suffered as a result of circumstances beyond your control. Perhaps you weren't terrific at your career because it wasn't a good fit for your abilities and strengths—but that doesn't make you a bad person. By analysing all of the facts, you'll be better equipped to discern what you have and don't have control over—and avoid allowing a difficult incident to define your self-wort

Dr. Gooden suggests that another strategy to counter our inner negative story is to ask ourselves where those thoughts are coming from. Perhaps social media posts that elicit comparison can feed negative self-talk. Consider those filtered Instagram photos from someone you haven't seen since high school that make you feel like your life pales in comparison to theirs or that you're less deserving. Dr. Gooden recommends asking yourself, "Where did that story come from?" and "Is it true?" " These questions may help you realise that unfavourable thoughts about oneself are typically the result of cultural or childhood conditioning."

Dr. Solomon describes a mother with low self-esteem who berated herself when she made mistakes as an example of how we internalise the voice of a hypercritical parent. Or the parent who was quick to criticise his son's physical faults. Breaking intergenerational traditions is difficult, but it can also be a liberating step toward building self-love. "It's great to know that bad patterns, such as being too judgmental of your body or abilities, may be broken," says Dr. Solo

4. Recognize that injustice and trauma can make self-love even more difficult:

If you are a member of a minority or historically oppressed group, you may accept societal messages that suggest you you are unimportant. Even if you don't feel those messages about your specific group are true about you, Dr. Gooden says there may be pressure to outperform in order to disprove them. ? "Is there anything else you can think of that might help?" "You're not denying reality; instead, you're emphasising everything that exists at the same time," Goodman says. Part of loving oneself is not desiring water from a dry well," she says."I believe that intimate and romantic relationship decisions should be guided by pleasure, comfort, safety, and communication." You may need to end your relationship with someone who is causing you problems.

5. Practice setting boundaries in real life and online to boost your self-esteem:

Setting healthy limits in relationships is a vital step toward developing self-love. Dr. Solomon recommends avoiding giving your time and energy to those who make you feel unworthy, such as parents, friends, or relationships. "Part of loving oneself is not longing for water in a dry well," she says. . "Part of loving oneself is not longing for water in a dry well," she says. "I believe that pleasure, comfort, safety, and communication should guide intimacy and relationship decisions." You may need to break up with someone who is causing you problems. for example. horrible about yourself (a red flag in romantic relationships). And, if you can't stop all communication right away or at all (as in the case of a demanding boss or a critical parent), Dr. Solomon suggests practising radical acceptance (as outlined above) and setting even small boundaries, such as ending a phone conversation with a loved one who's bringing you down or not After a set time in the evening, check your work email.

6. Remind yourself that loving or embracing oneself is a good goal:

As previously said, social media influencers can make self-love appear superficial or even toxic (for example, employing "self-love" to avoid taking responsibility for one's actions or attributing success to self-love rather than privilege). However, defining self-love as acceptance of who you are and a dedication to personal progress has the potential to have a dramatic impact on your life. "Part of love self is not yearning for water in a dry well," she says.  It provides the best basis for becoming a parent. "It's the best basis for sharing your gifts in the world," Dr. Gooden explains.